Science Jokes

 2011

1. Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
    
2. A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
    
3. The tachyon orders a beer. A tachyon walks into a bar.
    
4. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Möbius Strip? To get to the other side.
    
   Caveat: nerds of the world are arguing if this joke should end with "same side" or "other side". One point of view is that a Möbius Strip only has one side. But if you started and experiment with fast chicken-a and slow chicken-b on opposite sides (from a local perspective) of the same plane, fast chicken-a would eventually catch up to slow chicken-b. Time to test this hypothesis with an experiment: cut a strip of looped paper then fuse it end-to-end so it is now a loop with no twist. Draw a colored line on the inner surface of the loop. Now cut the loop, insert a twist, then close the loop. Moving 360 degrees around the loop allows you to traverse the surface with the colored line while another 360 degrees allows you to traverse the surface without the colored line. I now forget why the joke was funny  
    
5. Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any noble gases in this bar." Helium doesn't react.
    
6. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any neutrinos in this bar." The neutrino says, "Don't mind me; I'm just passing through."
   
7. A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! There are no superconductors allowed in this bar." The room temperature superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.
    
8. Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any bacteria in this bar. The two bacteria say, "Hey, but we work here. We're staph."
    
9. Schr�dinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.
    
10. A parasite walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! No parasite are welcome in this bar." The parasite says, "Well, you're not a very good host."
     
11. An infrared photon walks into a bar and says, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
     
12. A scientist is denied entrance to a microbiology lab. When he asks why, he is told that it is for "Staph Only"
     
13. Why are molecular biologists fashionable? They wear designer genes.
     
14. What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes.
     
15. What do you call a microbiologist that has traveled to every country in the world? A man of many cultures
     
16. A Higgs boson walks into a [Catholic] church and the priest says "thank god you made it, we cant have mass without you."
     
17. Why was Heisenberg's wife never satisfied? Answer: When he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.
     
18. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!" The mushroom says, "Aw c'mon bartender, I'm a fungi (fun guy)"
     
19. Charlie was a chemist. But Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4
     
20. Heisenberg stopped by the police for speeding. They asked him if he knew how fast he was going and he replied: "No, but I know where I am".
     
21. In other news, DNA helicase was arrested this morning for unzipping his genes in public.
     
22. Two high school chemistry students walk into a bar tended by an irate Ph.D. chemist who was down sized from a major corporation. The first kid says, "I'll have some H20." The barkeep serves the water, knowing there will be no tip. The second kid says, "I'll have some H20 too." The bartender says, we don't serve minors in this oxidation state.
     
23. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Answer: Pumpkin Pi!
     
24. Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach? Answer: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!
     
    
25. Two mathematicians are watching the front door of a building. Two people walk in, then a few minutes later three people walk out. The first mathematician says to the second "if one more person walks in, there will be zero people inside"

 2012

http://www.npr.org/2012/04/13/150575001/marc-abrahams-makes-science-improbably-funny

• A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar. The scientist surveys the room and says to the bartender, I'll have what 98 percent everybody here is having. The bartender turns to the denier and says, how about you? The denier replies, I'll wait to see what the other two percent think.
   
• A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar. The denier says, bartender, show me your strongest whiskey. The bartender says, this one here. It's 95 percent alcohol. The denier slams down his fist and leaves the bar in a hurry. The scientist says, you know, that's the problem with these guys. You show them the proof, and they still don't buy it. (for people who do not consume alcohol, "the proof" is a measurement of alcohol percentage)
   
• A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar. The denier orders a beer. The bartender says, bottle? Denier says, no, draft. I have an incisor that gets in a way. And the climatologist says, that's an inconvenient tooth.

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Neil Rieck
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada.